`I want to vanish from the face of the Earth.

Sighs, Yesterday must be the
WORST DAY OF MY LIFE.

I just found out my results. Most of my friends already got their results through the SMS thing by the MOE. A lot of them told me they got a C for English. That's why I was so worried for my English. Little did I know that I was worried over the WRONG SUBJECT. I should have been worried over my English Literature instead. But how should I know? It's very unexpected!

In the end, I gave up on my anxiety, and registered for the SMS thing on the net. But Emay already told me earlier about my grade in English Literature. That was the main reason I wanted to know my results right away! I thought she was joking. Just to make me scared to death. When she told me at MSN, I automatically told her I had to go but she didn't know why. I didn't even say goodbye to the people I was chatting with at that time. I just immediately signed out my MSN. I did not care. I ran upstairs, told my Ate Ren, took a towel, ran from my mom & went to the bathroom to take a bath. I was so disappointed in myself. Cried only a few tears in the bathroom.

I cried a whole lot more when I was complaining more about it to my Ate Ren upstairs after my bath. I was screaming & shouting about it. I was saying "WHY DIDN'T THEY JUST GIVE ME A C INSTEAD OF A D!!?!" But she was saying that I won't be crying over it or even think about it in 4 years' time. She has a point but still, it's NOW.
Convo between Ate Ren and I;

Me: I hate the things that starts with a "D" now. And I won't watch any more British shows!
Her: How about Gossip Girl?
Me: It's American!
Her: Oh, so they don't speak English?!
Me: American kaliah!
Her: But they mentioned Yale & Brown, top literature universities.
Me: UGHHH!

Then I stopped talking & cried instead. Then songs were playing at her laptop. It was mostly emo songs. Then came "Don't Don" by Super Junior and I was like, "CHANGE THE SONG! DON'T DON - DOUBLE Ds!!" At that point, I've been labeled as COMPLETELY CRAZY. With capital Cs. At least a C is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY better!! Then she was called downstairs by Dad because her friend was messaging her.

After a few minutes, my results from MOE came! I didn't have time to cry about it yet when I found out the thing I dreaded most has been confirmed. It was because Amirah (My ex-classmate back in SSS) called me. She was telling me about the results and all. I even asked her for suicide tips. She did tell me about mixing panadol with beer, the easiest one. She was telling me not to do it though & telling me it's not the end of the world yet. She was dissuading me from doing crazy things. I was like saying "I'll TRYYY~"

After that, I called Basmirah and told her about my results. I had no choice, I already promised her. I envy her. She got 2As: Physics & Computer Studies. Thinking of it, I should've gotten an A for Computer Studies instead of a B. When Basmirah heard my results, she was speechles for a while saying "Oh". She finally beat me. I called Emay after that, telling her about my results as well. I apologized for bailing out of our chat in MSN a few hours earlier. Then Ate Ren came and I showed her my results through my cellphone. She's happy that I got an A for English. If not, I was to be banned from the PC forever by her. No more Kkotboda Namja! If it's a B, she'll just show me the screen caps! NOOOOO. Thank goodness I got at least an "A" for English.

As soon as I got off the phone, I cried my heart out. The longest crying period I ever had. EVER. (I dont cry easily for small things! Unless it really REALLY HURTS) I think I cried for around 3 hours. That includes my crying sessions before the message from the MOE. I tried to bite my Ate Ren in the process. I wanted to destroy everything! EVERYTHING. After a few minutes, I called Kuya in Philz. First try, noone was answering. Second try, he answered! While saying "Kuya, KUYAAAAA!", I was crying like a baby. He was like "WHAT WHAAAAT?" I told him I only got 8Os. Then cried again. So Ate Ren took the phone from me and told Kuya my results & telling him not to tell mom & dad yet, because they didn't know yet. (My parents were actually worried, because I wasn't telling them anything about my results yet). Ate Ren was like "Funny because she got A for English but D for English Literature" It's true though. What the hell. The call was cut off though, since I only have $1 left because of that SMS thing! Took $3 of my credit!

Eventually, I told Ate Ren to show my results to mom & dad. I was still crying like hell. Bawling my eyes out. (Yes, I got puffy eyes at the end). I was kicking the walls, I was punching the bed, biting my blanket. MAD WOMAN, indeed. Rhea was shocked to see me crying like that, it's a first for her, I usually see her cry instead. She was like O____O, HUH?! I was telling her to get out of the room. I couldn't take the pain of disappointment. Mom came and tried to tell me to stop crying & said that I was crying for something that's useless. "It's good enough & you already tried your best", she said. I still continued crying, nonetheless. Then my dad came. Told me to stop already and that it's fine. At least I already passed, he said. He was worried of my Additional Mathematics & said it was worth it because my hard work paid off for that subject. He said he was proud of me. :(. It still didn't stop my crying though. I was saying that "MOST OF THEM GOT 8Os & 9Os! Some of them got Bs & Cs for ENGLISH LITERATURE! WHY DIDN'T I? IT'S SUCH A WASTE. I WASTED MY TIME. IT'S USELESS."
I stopped when my dad told stories when he was young. (It was almost 8PM). Stories I like to hear about. I felt a bit better. I was hugging Ate Ren. They made me smile a bit.

I watched Lee San upstairs. I didn't come down for dinner although I was so hungry. I was so exhausted from my crazy session in the bedroom. I didn't even laugh when there were funny moments at Lee San. After watching CSI, I went downstairs and ate. Quietly, sadly, stupidly.
Ate Ren asked me if I wanted to watch Nodame Contabile (sp?) & Mei (something something). Two Japanese Dramas. I'm not going to lie, but they were really funny! Those dramas made me smile & laugh too. At first, I didn't want to laugh but they're just too funny!


------------------

I feel like a fool. I try to be happy for my friends who got all O's. I am happy but then there's part of me who just want to sulk & cry my whole life starting from last night.
In my heart, I said that all the comforting words of my family won't help, because the problem is in ME. I'm NOT SATISFIED. I don't think I'll ever be happy with myself again. I disappointed myself, my family who thought I was going to pass with flying colours, teachers who had high hopes for me, friends who look up to me. I'M REALLY SORRY.
I'm sorry I did not live up to your expectations. I'm sorry I'm a disappointment to you. I'm sorry I didn't get all Os. I'm sorry I suck. I'm sorry I'm not smart enough. I'm sorry I didn't get enough As. I'm sorry I even thought of ending my life because of a stupid grade. I'M SORRY.


R.

HELLO TO THE EMO ERA OF RHONA NOW.

CONGRATULATIONS;

BASMIRAH-HUN ♥
AZIMAH-BESTBUD ♥
HADIJAH-SEATMATE ♥
EMAY-DEAR (You still got good results!) ♥
CAP'T HAKAM ♥
THE 2 NABILAHS ♥
AMIRAH ♥
NADIRAH ♥
Sadiqin (Awesome dude!)
Wafi (Of course I knew you could do it!)
Rawi (Great Job dude!)
Michael (A for Amaths!)
Faiz (A's & B's!)
Shahrul (WHOA!)